I have been away - not physically but emotionally. I am posting on this gap because to give it no space would mean I was not acknowledging the hugeness of a sadness within.
I lost my very best friend on April 12th. Janie. Who died from a brain tumour. We had her many many months longer than I would have thought possible but she fought for those extra months to be with her children, Julia my goddaughter and her sister Alice. My daughter lost her Godmother. Our friendship and memories go back 35 years - before either of us were married and had children.
This is not meant to be sad 'post' but rather one to say that I am moving on now, glad she is at peace. A quote that I read in Donna's blog as I came online to write this really touched me as in the last couple of days after a fairly awful spell of weather at the end of last week, I have been wandering around our block of land and have been nurtured by it and am feeling restored.
I go to nature be be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.
-- John Burroughs
Nature does have a very generous way of putting our senses in order, giving us perspective. Another way I find of really cheering myself up is to go and buy books! Last week I did just that when I visited the Personal Histories Exhibition at Cleveland Art Gallery - part two of a series of International Book Exhibitions organised and curated by Robyn Foster.
One book really caught my eye and it was a book titled 'Blindspots' by Jack Oudyn of whose work I am a great fan and I am lucky enough to have a few pieces of his work already. I could only see one open page of this little book but knew straight away I had to have it. It is very personal to Jack and is his story to tell, but for me it reminded me of a quote by one of my favourite authors Michael Ondaatje who wrote:
'we remember the time around scars'.
I am sure these photos do not do the books justice as I photographed them through glass with my phone but I am very much looking forward to having it home with me to linger over and enjoy. It will remind me that scars do heal as they are wrapped around by nature and books - not to mention love and the support of friends.
Some would say I have been procrastinating this last few days by wandering about instead of getting down to things in the studio - and there may be truth in that. However, I am here now and feeling better for the wandering.
I am so sorry for your sadness Susan. To wander and do nothing in particular to me is a healing process. I have many times just sat in a place that gives me some relief, like by the sea or in a space in the countryside because the hurt has made me incapable of anything else. Our emotions, like wounds need healing time however I find that the scars are always there somewhere - they can suddenly itch as it were and that memory comes again - the thing to do then is to remember with joy the loss of the person not the sadness of their loss. Not always easy I know.
ReplyDeleteI have been making frames for the two beautiful prints you sent me and I have such pleasure in looking at your work - thank you again. I send my caring thoughts to you. Diane.
Thanks Diane. Emotions are strange things - for me they can either block work or drive work. This time the work paused by the ideas have been flowing and I am now ready to bring them to life. A good thing.
DeleteWhen emotions are pouring out we need replenishment, not to replace, but to balance feeling, then stitch together the wound. Sounds as if your 'needlework' will suture and bind, to mend with a fittingly beautiful reminding scar.
ReplyDeleteI love the concept of my creative needlework stitching up the wound - and having 'reminding' scars. I have heaps of those on my tomboy body and quite a number not visible on the skin. Now I have Jack's book to remind me how precious those scars are. Thanks for this message Olga.
DeleteHi SB - I think I have read that wandering does not mean you are lost - only taking time and the route required. Positive vibes for you re Janie. May the love of books sand the support of other nudge you into the studio where you will find quiet. Go well. B
ReplyDeleteNo, not lost at all. Just paused for a while and examining the route. Janie has now settled inside. Thanks Barry. Will never forget you and Fiona ringing your Peace Bell for me the day Janie died - I was so glad to be there with you. x
DeleteSo sorry that you lost your friend. This beautiful book might harbour your memories of her.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks Jo. We gain many great friends during a life time and sometimes we are lucky to have one particular friend who travels much of one's life journey with them. Even at a distance. Janie will be remembered.
DeleteHi Susan, it's been a tough time for you and your loved ones. The thought of losing my best friend scares the hell out of me. Thank you for your sharing honestly and bravely what you are going through, XXX
ReplyDeleteThanks Noela. Glad I was there working with you on the day .... some much needed distraction. I find it hard to share personal 'stuff' on line but am seeing my blog as a diary of sorts and so needed to mark down the sadness.
DeleteI am very sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose the memory-keepers of our past......
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving this message. You are right ... and the message was so beautifully expressed ..... hard to lose the memory-keepers of our past. In a nutshell - and perfect. Thank you.
Delete(((Susan))) thank you for sharing Jack's exquisitely tender book
ReplyDeletehave you read a Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit?
Here's a favourite paragraph about longing -
"We treat desire as a problem to be solved, address what desire is for and focus on that something and how to acquire it rather than on the nature and the sensation of desire, though often it is the distance between us and the object of desire that fills the space in between with the blue of longing. I wonder sometimes whether with a slight adjustment of perspective it could be cherished as a sensation on its own terms, since it is as inherent to the human condition as blue is to distance? If you can look across the distance without wanting to close it up, if you can own your longing in the same way that you own the beauty of that blue that can never be possessed? For something of this longing will, like the blue of distance, only be relocated, not assuaged, by acquisition and arrival, just as the mountains cease to be blue when you arrive among them and the blue instead tints the next beyond. Somewhere in this is the mystery of why tragedies are more beautiful than comedies and why we take a huge pleasure in the sadness of certain songs and stories. Something is always far away."
page 30-31 The Blue of Distance from A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit
Ah Mo - I love that you send me scurring off towards wonderful authors ..... in this case though, I arrived a little before you. I had read the latter part of this quote before on Brain Pickings and loved it so much I bought the book and also 'The Faraway Nearby'. They are sitting beside my bed waiting to be read. Your reminder will help me get started and I will probably dip straight into pages 30-31 before I begin again at the beginning.
DeleteThank you for reading my post and matching it with this beautiful quote.
How lucky you have been to have such a rare and wonderful connection to another person, Susan. As they say though, with great joy comes great sadness. I am glad you have been able to let your heart and mind wander where they have needed. You have very eloquently and touchingly put into words here the beauty of your friendship and the tendrils it has made into each of your lives. Warm hug from afar.
ReplyDeleteThank you for those words and that hug. It has been a sad moment in view of years and years of closeness. x
ReplyDeleteSusan ~ I am so sorry to hear about your friend Janie...it is so very difficult to get used to the idea of the world without someone dear to you; the adjustment certainly takes time. Thank goodness for gardens & books, and how both allow space for grieving and - eventually, inevitably - inspire healing. Jack's book looks to be an especially consoling & sensitive companion. May you continue to hold Janie's memory close, and find comfort in all that is beautiful in this world...including wandering whenever you feel the need.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa .... I know you too have just been through the same sort of grief. It does leave scars but by the end of a life, we are covered with them like maps and are better for their advent. It means we have loved and been loved enough to hurt and feel pain. And I look at all my physical scars and remember the methods of their making and smile ....
DeleteI'm so sorry about the loss of your friend, but glad that you're beginning to heal. Nature is a great healer. Love your quotes, too.
ReplyDelete